Category Archives: Acceptance

What the Funk?

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I have been in a downward spiral of a funk for a while now. I haven’t felt like myself. I don’t feel creative. I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I’ve been having writer’s block, bad. I just am not sure what to do.

I wouldn’t call it full-fledged depression. I’ve been there, multiple times. I’ve been medicated, I’ve been in therapy, the works. This is not the same kind of feeling. And maybe it’s just hitting me in a different way.

The holidays started the downward deviation from my “normal” self (although, what REALLY is normal these days?!) I think being away from family is always difficult, but especially during the holidays and special occasions. So, that absolutely comes into play in my present WTF scenario.

Strained relationships, misunderstandings as well as cruel words spoken also play a part in this. I’ve heard all the cliché’s and I’ve probably posted them on my various social media accounts, partially as a reminder that not all days are perfect and not all scenarios in life are played out like they are in the movies.

You know, like the one that says, “Just because you are angry doesn’t give you the right to be cruel.” Anger is one thing, and we all experience that one time or another. But that doesn’t give ANYONE the right to treat someone badly or hurl hurtful sentiments their way. This happened recently.

Or another one that says, “The way people treat you is a statement about who they are as a human being. It is not a statement about you.” Just because someone has disrespected me and made snide remarks about my parenting, does not mean I’m a bad parent (even if that is a constant battle I have with myself). When someone makes a jab at me and/or something about me, does not mean that jab is accurate or even truthful. I have to make my own reality and truth. The offending party does not get to determine this about me.

Or finally, this quote, “Never respond to rudeness. When people are rude to you, they reveal who they are, not who you are. Don’t take it personally, be silent.” Again, this one is much easier said than done! It’s hard for me to not take rude comments and remarks personally. It’s difficult to remain silent because my first instinct is to defend myself and show the person how wrong they are. I admittedly need to grow a “thicker skin” so as to not take everything to heart. But that’s so hard when a person like me, with a heart that cares too much, hears insults hurled my way.

So basically my 2017 has not been going in the direction I would like it to go. Honestly, the last part of 2016 leading into 2017 has been pretty much hell. I’ve cried more in the last 3 weeks than I have in a long time. And maybe that’s a good thing because the release of emotions like that can always be cathartic. BUT, it also means that multiple things have caused the tears to flow, easier than they have in previous times.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so deeply. I wish that I didn’t have a big heart that took things so personally. I wish that I could have a more carefree, caring less attitude, but then that wouldn’t be me. I am the person I am today, because of my heart. It’s not something that’s going to change overnight.

Going forward, I can only be me. I can wake up each morning, resolving to stay true to myself. I can continue to be the caring person that most people know me to be. I can’t live each day trying to please everyone, because that’s only going to end up in a miserable heap of failure. I can only continue to keep on keeping on, and leave the world a slightly better place then the day before. It’s all that I can do. And everyone needs to realize, including myself, that’s all that I can do.

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Now You See Me…..

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For me, in a sea of unknown faces I can hide. I can be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts wander. Realities become blurred. I can sit back and imagine all the possibilities. In this time of pondering, I’m able to reach out and grasp the untouchables. The elite. The hidden. It is then that I realize that even in crowds of people, I see that I’m only a speck, just a blip on the radar of life.

There has to be something that I can grasp, something tangible that I can feel, just like sand flowing through my fingers while sitting on a beach. There’s such a disillusion of what companionship really is. It can be something I can feel. Something I can know. Something that is in my presence. But yet, it’s not there. It’s hiding. It’s distant and I want so much to be able to be there, in constant communication.

I get beat down. I get the wind knocked out of me. Words are so powerful. Thoughts can get you in a place you don’t want to be. You can be lifted up. Or you can be torn down. How am I supposed to handle this? How should I respond when these words and actions are thrown my direction? What am I supposed to do in order to triumph over my demons? The demons that try to send me to my demise. The demons that tell me I am worthless, that I am beneath those around me, that I am just a space filler here on this earth. How can I push those demons off the proverbial cliff of life?

Wise decisions need to be made. When those decisions aren’t made in timely fashion or in the correct mindset, I get bombarded with empty feelings. With thoughts that get me nowhere and leave me hanging over the edge. And yet again, I’m alone. I’m hiding in the sea of unknown faces. Wherever I go, I’m alone. I’m reaching out, only to find a black hole with no end in sight. I’m trying to grasp for just one hand to lift me out, and there’s nothing. No one. Again, I’m alone.

I’m trying to be resilient and push my way through the struggles, but sometimes the struggle is stronger than me. Stronger than my thoughts. Stronger than my heart can handle. What then? What am I supposed to do? I’m lost. I’m alone, with no guidance, no direction. I’m misunderstood. I’m a rebel. I’m a loner. I’m not what you think I am, nor what you want me to be. But what does that matter? I’m me. This is who I am and no amount of pushing or prodding is going to change that. Ever.

So for now, what do I do? What can I grasp to lift me up? Where can I go where I am just more than a blank face in a crowd? Where can I reside where I’m not alone while surrounded by the world? I can only push. Push through the obstacles. Push through the bullies that are standing there mocking me, demeaning me, pushing me away. I’m strong. I have an indescribable amount of strength within me that I just haven’t been able to bring to the surface. It’s in there, I’m confident of that. Now it’s going to be like a treasure hunt to find it.

Follow the map to find it. No. That won’t work with me. There is no set path that I can take. There isn’t a dotted line that I can follow. I have to go by instinct. I must rely on my intuition. I’ll find it. It’s just a matter of time. It’s a matter of being patient until the time is right and the unknown is revealed to me. So for now, I just wait and try to see my way through the sea of unknown faces and try to recognize someone, anyone. I just need to find my way.

Great Expectations

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I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve always had grandiose ideas of how things would happen (never once believing they would ever be a reality). Maybe it makes me an optimist…..maybe it just makes me crazy! I would like to think that some of my dreams and wishes and ideas would become a reality one day, but I just can’t shake the sting of reality.

And it’s not because I’m hopeless and lack any capacity to hope in my life. But one can only have their hopes and dreams dashed so many times before you start to give up on all of those other hopeful aspirations.  What is more likely, in my given scenario, is that my patience level (or lack of patience) is reached before any expectations can be realized.

I have a hard time waiting. Like, it’s excruciating for me to stand by and just quietly wait. One, I’m rarely quiet. Two, I just hate waiting. Over time, and having children, I’ve become “better” at it, but I’ve far from mastered the skill. I’ll forever be a work in progress when it comes to waiting. Sometimes it’s a good thing and I push for an answer while people are on their own clock. Other times, it comes to bite me in the, well, you know what.

And now as I’m approaching 40 (much too quickly I should say), I wish things were done differently in my past. Maybe if I had spent more time being patient and waiting and not rushing things, my outcome would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t have these grandiose dreams and desires for a different life.

I’m not saying my life is awful. It’s not in all reality. I have two amazing boys that are smart, well-adjusted, happy, caring, loving, and all around great kids. I have a loving boyfriend who treats me well and makes me feel safe and comfortable in our life. I have a roof over my head, a car that runs (most of the time!), a good job, and enough money to pay my bills. Things are tight sometimes and I struggle during the month sometimes, but I rarely go without. Of course, I don’t have all the extra things that many people enjoy, but I’m happy.

Of course, my life isn’t perfect. I’m a divorced mom with two children. I have shared custody of my children, so I don’t always get to see them and there are days that I don’t see them because they are with their father. I miss my boys, immensely, when I am not with them. I know that I “should” appreciate the time I get to myself, and enjoy that “freedom” that not everyone has, but I don’t. I WANT to spend more time with my kids. I ENJOY the time I am with them (mostly – hey, boys will be boys!). I wish I wasn’t the divorced mom that has to shoulder the weight of raising my boys. Yes, their father helps to raise them when they are with him, but it’s not that we raise them “together”. I guess it’s hard to explain if you aren’t a “single parent” navigating the waters such as I am.

And of course, I would love that childhood dream of a wedding to come to fruition for me one of these days. I’ve never had the chance to pick out bridesmaid dresses or even HAVE bridesmaids. My first wedding was a trip to the Justice of the Peace with a few family members as witnesses. Again, because we weren’t patient and just rushed into things. And look how that turned out…I digress.

I’m not saying that I HAVE to have the big fancy wedding. In fact, I know that we CAN’T afford what my childhood dream wedding would consist of. But in all reality, who really can? Because of hastily made financial decisions in my past, finances will always be an issue going forward. Lessons learned, and in all honesty, I’m better off in the long run. But the expectations I’ve had in my life for the wedding I’ve wanted to have is one that I’ll need to put out of my mind. Because reality comes into play big time in that planning.

Just like my wedding “expectations”, I had a lot of expectations growing up, both placed on me and self-imposed.

I was expected to attend a Christian college right after high school and graduate in 4 years, possibly be married or engaged at the end of that college stint and start a family shortly thereafter.

WRONG!

It took me almost 10 years to finish my college degree. I attended a few different colleges, changed my major so many times I’ve lost track, moved, gotten various jobs and then eventually got married. I WANTED to finish my degree BEFORE I had children, and I almost made it! I finished up my degree a few months after I had my first son. It wasn’t ideal, and it wasn’t the expectation of most people of what would happen, but it DID eventually happen.

I was taught growing up that friends would come and go into our lives, but family would always be there. That was the expectation I had growing up.

WRONG!

It’s taken me a long time to be comfortable with how this plays out in my life. I’ll be honest and say that I’ve not fully been able to come to grips with this. You see, throughout all my struggles in life, I have found that my friends are the ones that have stuck around. Of course, there have been friends that have come and gone. That’s just how life plays out. You grow apart from people and eventually part ways. That’s just how our lives play out on a daily basis. But through my divorce and subsequent trials, I’ve seen that my friends, my TRUE friends are the ones that stuck around. I had high expectations that my family would be there for me. And some have. Don’t get me wrong. But there are some that I thought would have stuck by me, but they haven’t.

You see, you grow up one way being told one thing. You are told what to EXPECT in life and that a, b, or c is going to be the only options and that’s how it’s going to be. But in all reality, it’s wrong. You can hope and expect until you’re blue in the face. But until you are faced with reality and the specific situations at hand, any and all expectations fly out the window!

I fully expected that my life would turn out a certain way because I stopped attending church. It didn’t.

I was told to expect to be single after my divorce indefinitely because that’s how it was supposed to happen. It doesn’t.

I fully expected certain family members to stick by me and support me in my time of need because that’s what family does. They didn’t.

You see, expectations, great or small, can work for us or against us. They can bring us closer to our desired reality or push us further away from the expected outcome. I don’t think that having expectations is a bad thing in and of itself. It’s when our expectations are too far reaching. It’s good to have dreams and aspirations. It’s beneficial to set goals and attempt to reach those goals. But it’s also wise to not set yourself up for failure either.

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Be realistic. That’s the mainstay thought I must have. Have REALISTIC expectations in life. Will you have to lower your expectations and desires? Most likely. But that doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice your ultimate desire to succeed. Sometimes you just have to readjust the route you have to take. But in the end, the only expectation we can ever have, is to be happy. Do what you need to do, and take whatever road you need to take to get there. But in the end, when I peel back all the layers of expectations, if I find myself happy and content in the end, that’s what matters most.

Sure, I have big dreams and high expectations in life and for myself. And what I can attain, I will. But what I can’t reach or have as my end game, I will put the expectation of ultimate happiness on myself. And that’s all I can expect of myself and those in my life. I have high expectations for my own happiness. And those expectations are within each and every one of us.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quotes & Quips – Failure & Defeat

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I missed last week’s edition of Tuesday’s Quotes & Quips because my boys and I had just gotten back from a long weekend of camping in the woods of Kentucky, so much catch up was needed at home and at work.

But I’m back and dealing this week with a topic that I struggle with IMMENSELY and haven’t found a way to confidently overcome as of yet. And, if I’m being honest, it’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a child.

FAILURE and DEFEAT

I have a chronic fear of failing and being defeated. I want so bad to succeed in something, anything, that I begin to be overcome with a crippling fear of failing. And for an OCD perfectionist as myself, it’s often hard to get past just the thought of failing.

So what do I do when that fear overtakes me?

I quit. I stop. I do not pass go, I do not collect the $200 and I go directly to failure jail.

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It’s something, that at my fast approaching age of 40, I should just “get over” but that’s easier said than done! Especially when you have your past failures thrown in your face. Yes, that is something I constantly deal with and that really holds me back.

When you have negative people in your life reminding you of the time you failed at_____________ (you fill in the blank)! I have many blanks that can be filled in.

I won’t bore you with my exhaustive list of failures, although it could have the makings of a tantalizing soap opera watched with baited breath.

But alas, I digress……

Anyway, what m trying to say, that my past failures should not be keeping me from future successes. I’m working on venturing outside my comfort zone…which is a huge area to overcome in my life. I’m often very critical of myself, more so than anyone else ever could be (save a few overly zealous friends and family members). This self-criticizing of my actions is what holds me back the most.

So here I am, speaking to an audience of one…ME! (Well, I’m hoping more than just one person reads this blog on occasion) But honestly, I really have to make this a priority in my life. That if I don’t even put myself out there, or attempt to find success, or do something I have always wanted to do, I’ll be defeated from the very get-go.

I don’t want to be known by my failures. I want to be known for my successes and accomplishments in life. It’s as simple as that!

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“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”
Randy Pausch

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
Maya Angelou

“Life is full of screwups. You’re supposed to fail sometimes. It’s a required part of the human existance.”
Sarah Dessen

“But instead of spending our lives running towards our dreams, we are often running away from a fear of failure or a fear of criticism.”
Eric Wright

“All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’ — which is just another way of saying that you can’t.”
Richard Feynman

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
Denis Waitley

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping sone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.”
Johnny Cash

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Tuesday’s Quotes & Quips – Self-Esteem Edition

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“Telling yourself you like the way you look is easy. Believing it is an entirely different kettle of whales.” ― Andrew Biss

 

I’ve decided that each Tuesday I’m going to pick a topic and share a bunch of quotes that I have read that would really personify the topic. Of course, as a starting Tuesday’s Quotes and Quips, I’m going to delve into the topic of self-esteem. I say “of course” because I struggle with self-esteem each and every day of my life.

But for most of my life that I remember, I’ve dealt with self-esteem issues. I say to myself that I’m strong and that I’m better than those negative thoughts that I’m having, but then they creep back up on me and drag me down again. And those thoughts and actions ruin so many things in my life.
 

I hate this feeling because it overwhelmingly gives my children an unhealthy view at how they should be looking at themselves and how they should be proud of who they are and be strong in their esteem and know that they ARE worth something, no matter the struggles that come their way and no matter what anyone tells them.

Pot calling the kettle black, huh?

So, I don’t know about you, but quotes and quips from various authors, famous people, ordinary people etc. can put things in perspective for me. They can bring me back to reality and help me to realize that I am fine with who I am. That I am way too hard on myself. That I am a great person right now. I don’t have to overly impress. If someone is going to like me, and truly be compatible with me, as a friend or more, then they are going to like me where I am at. Not where I could be and could change to be, but where I’m at. And to know that I’m a strong, beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman is something that I should be proud to be.

Daily struggle? Absolutely!
Overcoming daily, step by step. That’s the only way I’ll get there.

Anyway, here’s your Tuesday Quotes and Quips. PLEASE feel free to leave your own quotes in the comment section. Make up your own, find one that you especially like, etc. I’d love to hear what you say about this week’s topic. Remember, positive remarks please.

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“You’ve got to have someone who loves your body. Who doesn’t define you, but sees you. Who loves what he sees. Who you don’t have to struggle to be good enough for.” -Deb Caletti

“The wise do not buy into other people’s perceptions of who they are and what they are capable of. Instead, they bypass a person’s public persona and see who they are in their highest expression. When you see actions taken with integrity, instead of words only, you will then know a soul’s worth.” -Shannon Alder

“Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, there is no room for anything else.” -Mignon McLaughlin

“When you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn’t.” -Jodi Picoult

“As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are – what others say is irrelevant.” -Nic Sheff

“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself… Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant! When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.” ― Osho

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.”
-Dorothy Parker

“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others.” ― Steve Maraboli

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” ― C.G. Jung

“Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who holds a low opinion of himself.”
― Anthony Trollope

“Be real. Embrace that you have weakness. Because everyone does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them.” ― Dan Pearce

“When I loved myself enough, I no longer needed things or people to make me feel safe.”
― Kim McMillen

“Self respect, self-worth and self-love, all start with self. Stop looking outside of yourself for your value.” ― Rob Liano

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu

“Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others … Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.” – Katherine Mansfield
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – E.E. Cummings
Believe in Yourself

What a Difference a Day, Er, Two Years Makes

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Two years ago I got something in the mail that I dreaded receiving.
Two years ago, my life as I knew it came to an official end.
Two years ago, everything changed because of one envelope.

Two year ago, my divorce was final.

In the past two years, I have been through so much. I honestly don’t know how I’m still standing and pushing forward. Maybe because that’s the only thing I CAN do. But regardless, my world has been rocked and pushed off its axis. And not only MY life, but that of my children as well.

They’ve been two years filled with hurt.

Two years filled with concern over the well-being of my children and myself in all honesty. There have been many moments filled with self-doubt concerning that.

Two years filled with a constant worry. Worry that I’m not good enough. Worried that this failure will always be who I am. Worried that my children’s lives are irreversibly harmed. Worry that I’m not going to make it on my own, physically, emotionally, financially, and everything in between.

Two years with much confusion and uncertainty. Sometimes uncertainty if I was going to be able to feed my children that week. Occasional confusion about decisions. Oh, who am I kidding? CONSTANT confusion about decisions.

The never-ending “What If’s?”

 

Over the past two years, there have been countless times that I honestly just wanted to curl up in a ball, crawl into bed, and not come out for weeks. Not so much for the physical exhaustion factor, although that played and still plays into that concept big time, but more so just to get away from the madness and hide.

But I couldn’t. I still can’t. Even when the desire to do just that feels overwhelming as if to swallow me up in a tidal wave of solitude, I have responsibilities. I have my boys. I have to be strong for them and pretend to be strong for everyone else.

The past two years have been filled with me telling everyone I was fine, and that I’ll get through the seeming hurdle (said, MOUNTAIN) and that “It was all good” and “I’m OK” and “No Biggie.” Things happen and you just have to learn from your mistakes and decisions, yadda yadda yadda.

But I wasn’t OK. It wasn’t all good. It was a biggie. And honestly, there are still moments I feel like that. But if I admitted that while it was all going on (in my mind), then I was weak. My facade of being the strong, stubborn mother, taking charge, handling whatever problems are hurled my way with grace and the knowledge to knock over a 20-day jeopardy champion. . .. . was just that, a facade. Fake. A Lie. Wrong.

Over the last two years I have seen how truly weak I am. I’ve been burdened down with so many things. Instead of the load being lifted day by day, it seemed to just get heavier and heavier. Sometimes I just cannot cope with even thinking about this let alone live with it.

The last two years have been filled with so many things to think about that I didn’t think would ever come into play in my life. Too many things for me to process. Heck, sometimes it’s too many things for a team of people to process. At times, there was just too much to make sense of. And over the last two years, I wasn’t sure that I could do it. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know if I could. Honestly, there are still times that I’m not sure I can do it.

So much has changed over the last two years.

I’ve dealt with housing changes, from a huge house to a small apartment.

I’ve dealt with car issues beyond comprehension, but still managed to have transportation (by the grace of God and my generous mother).

I have been run through the gamut with learning how to date and be in a relationship again (which is still a work in progress if I’m going to be honest, just ask my boyfriend)!

I have had to see my children be introduced into a new family.  And with that, I’ve had to learn how to adjust my life (to an extent) to another woman in my boys’ life. A step-mother, step-sisters, and an extended family. One that I’m not part of. And I’ve had to learn how to “deal” with that. It’s not been easy, but it’s something I knew would be inevitable when you deal with a divorce.

But I’ve also been able to learn more about myself in the last two years. I’ve been able to work on “finding” myself. It’s not always easy and it’s oftentimes painful, but it’s necessary. There’s no way I can move forward in my life if I’m still dwelling on the past. If I’m still questioning and doubting all my decisions in the past, I’m in a chokehold without hope of release. And I want to be able to breathe freely, and move forward knowing that what is in the past, is the past.

So yes, today might be the “anniversary” of my divorce. It might be the anniversary of the day my world got flipped upside down. It might be the reminder of the day my life changed. But it’s also the day when I knew I wasn’t going to be the same person I was prior to that. And looking back on that, I’m ok with that.

Without all those changes and various paths I’ve taken over the last couple years, I’ve become who I am today. And for the most part, I’m pretty happy with that person. And not only am I happy with the person I’ve become, I’m pretty proud of the person I am today. I’m more than just an “ex-wife”. I’m a new person, filled with the hope of future possibilities. I have a new outlook on so many things in life. I’m excited to see what the next two years brings my way. Yes, two years isn’t a lot in the light of eternity, but so many things can happen in two years.

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Daydream Believer

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what-screws-us-up-most-in-life-is-the-picture-in-our-head-of-how-its-supposed-to-be-quote-1Sometimes I wonder why I make plans for something that most likely won’t happen.

I plan for my dream house, saving pictures and decorating ideas, and little DIY projects to make organization better in my dream house.
I plan for my dream wedding, pinning color schemes and flower arrangements on Pinterest and looking online to find just the right dress that meets my budget and of course body figure.
I plan for my life, my future. I try to imagine what could be on the horizon in my life, professionally, relationally and everything in between.

I plan and I hope and I dream. But for what? Why? Why do I continue the endless torture of planning something that is likely never going to happen?
I’m a dreamer. I’m have an unrealistic imagination. I’m a hopeless romantic, emphasis on hopeless.
Even despite the unlikelihood of these things ever happening in my life, I continue to dream.
I continue to imagine what my life would be like if those things ever happened for me. I just can’t let go of the dream.

I find myself wondering why it seems that everyone else’s dreams come true, while mine seem to sit dormant, never coming out to see the light of day.
What are they doing right that I’m not? Why can’t I seem to be the person that has those good things happen to?

Because of something I’ve done?
Because of something I haven’t done?
Because of something I’ve said?
Because of something I didn’t say?
Because of some way I’ve acted?
Because of something within me?

Maybe it’s silly and immature to have those feelings, I mean, I AM almost 40. They are my feelings and raw emotions, but can those dreams still have a realistic ending? Simple answer. NOPE!

So instead of holding on to some of those unrealistic dreams, because in all honesty, they really are, my new modus operandi is to work on making realistic goals and having attainable dreams.

I know that due to my financial situation and issues from the past, I’ll never be able to own a house again. I won’t have the “perfect” house in the “perfect” neighborhood with the white picket fence blah blah blah. But I can provide a roof over my children’s heads and keep them happy, fed, clothed, and protected.

I know that also due to my financial situation and just life in general, I’ll never have that “dream” wedding. I honestly doubt that in this lifetime I’ll have a wedding that comes close to anything I could imagine or dream of having, if I get the chance to get married again I should say. Yes, I know. Weddings aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Weddings are just for “show” and it doesn’t really MEAN anything. But when you have dreams of certain events as a child, teenager, college student, and it never comes to fruition, even being married once before (and not getting the chance to have a wedding), it’s just something I’ve always wanted. A girl can dream, right? But I also have to know that it’s not realistic. A dream can only go so far before it gets out of my grasp and leads me down a path of disappointment, again and again. I’m fed up with disappointments in my life to be honest. So in the spirit of being realistic, I got rid of everything wedding related on Pinterest. The dreaming and hoping for what I saw was becoming overwhelming. And when I’m overwhelmed, I tend to just shut down, and that’s not healthy for me or anyone around me.

I enjoy writing. I like expressing myself through words. I think of writing as a cathartic experience. I write a lot. But I won’t publish a lot of what I write, because sometimes what I write is a way of either calming myself down and snapping myself back into reality, or just recognizing the changes I need to make in my life and attitude. Sometimes reading and re-reading what I just wrote is enough to get me feeling better about the situation in my life I’m currently working through. I am complimented on my writing. I have been given a platform through my local newspaper as well as the website Cincinnati Moms Blog where I will be a contributor. Despite these opportunities, I don’t want to dream too big. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Would I love to be writing more down the road? Sure, absolutely! But I also know that I am a full-time working mom with shared custody of my amazing boys. I am busy. I am often tired. I have a hard time finding time for myself to pursue anything outside of the realm of my current life. So, for now, I’ll soak in the opportunities I have been given, I’ll continue to write for my pleasure and hopefully to encourage, enlighten, and even entertain those that take the time to read what I present to them.

I’m not saying I’m giving up on my dreams and aspirations. I’m not saying that the things in my life that I desire most will never come to fruition. I’m not saying that at all. But what I AM saying is that I want to come down from orbit a little bit and become more realistic in my future plans. I want to make a decision about my life that will only affect me and those around me in a positive manner. I want to make wise decisions and plan my life with the best intentions for everyone involved, now, and in my possible future.

I’m still going to dream. I’m still going to aspire to be better and do better. I’m still going to give everything I can to make my dreams a reality. But going forward, a more realistic reality.