Well, it’s been another chunk of time since I’ve updated this blog…..I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say, but life has gotten in the way and things have just been busy and non-stop. Stress is at an all-time high at this point. And as I’ve been navigating the stressful waters of life I’ve come to a startling realization.
I am impatient to a fault and I seriously lack compassion.
Now hear me out. I know that several of you that are reading this have known me for quite a while, some are new to me and my life, some have been around here and there over time. But to the naked eye, I think that many would disagree with my above statement. I feel that I am very giving (of my time, and energy, and various resources dependent upon the need) and I think others would agree. I will go out of my way to help people and make things more accommodating for their life. So much so, that my time and energy is stripped from my own well-being at times.
Then there are the times where I am outright rude and lack any shred of compassion to my fellow-man. I am selfish, I have a low tolerance and threshold for ignorance. I am impatient and do not deal with when other people are not on the same mindset as I am with that.
I am impatient with my kids. This is something I struggle with a lot. I’ve always said that I love my kids with every ounce of my being, but I could not be around other kids for extended periods of time, i.e. working in a daycare or being a teacher would be totally out of the question. I don’t have the patience to deal with children to that extent. I barely have the patience to deal with my own kids at times, especially when it’s the 4th time I’ve had to tell them to pick up their dirty clothes off the floor or have explained to them the rules of the day.
As for where compassion for others (and even sometimes myself) comes into play, let me explain.
I’m a single mom to two amazing boys. I do everything. I work full-time, I am the room mom for my younger son so I have to coordinate school parties, I am constantly on the go. I don’t have time to be sick, or to take time off for myself. I may be sick as a dog, but I’m still pushing forward, because I have to. I have no tolerance for people who barely have a sniffle and can barely function. I’m of the mindset of, “Well, I don’t get to have a sick day, and I’m still expected to make dinner, do dishes, do the laundry, make school lunches, drop the kids off at school, do the grocery shopping, make the beds and clean, etc etc. Why should anyone else get to have slack with this?”
Sounds like I’m a, well, Bitch.
I’m just tired at this point. I’m exhausted, physically and mentally and every aspect in between. I want so much to have my load lifted, but I know that will never happen, and for some reason or another, I feel that it’s my load to carry and there’s nothing I can do about it.
So many times I feel like I’m just barely breathing and hanging on to what’s left of my existence by a thread. I feel like I’ll never get “ahead” or that I’ll always be stuck in this barely there existence. It’s SO very hard to see so many people in my life moving forward and flourishing and having the happiness that we all crave and desire and want in our own lives.
Full disclosure and this is very hard to talk about….I am so jealous every time I see one of my friends get engaged or married. Even seeing people I DON’T know personally get engaged gets the best of me. People that were divorced after me, so many people who I’ve known and some even gone out with in my past have all gotten engaged and/or married.
Heck, I can barely watch a tv show or movie where someone gets engaged or married without crying…either silently or big ugly tears streaming down my face cry-fests! I KNOW I should be happy for them, and honestly, I am. It’s just really hard to see it happening to everyone else. And there’s another area where I feel like I lack major compassion. Happiness and sincere joy for the good fortune of others.
Instead, I smile on the outside and cry on the inside, keeping it bottled up. It’s just easier that way. Showing emotion can be hard for me. Yes, I can show love unconditionally and keep that outpouring of THAT emotion going strong. But any OTHER emotion is very hard for me to show. Can’t be weak. Can’t let people know I’m struggling just to survive daily.
It’s not in me to ask for help. I feel like people should be more OPEN to seeing the needs around them. I don’t want to ask for help. I want to be able to do things on my own. But in doing EVERYTHING on my own, I get worn down and weary, really fast. I lose sight of my own needs and neglect them for the sake of doing everything for everyone else. I’m compassionate towards others at times, just not myself I suppose.
All this to say this. I need help. I’m asking for your help. Not that anyone is actually reading this because I know so many people ignore anything I write or even sometimes that things I say…it’s a fact of life I suppose. But even if just ONE person decides to actually lay their eyes on this long-forsaken blog, it’s a start.
I HATE, absolutely hate with a passion asking for anything from anyone. I am stubborn and strong-willed and just have come to a realization that no one is going to reach out to me to offer anything in the way of help or encouragement if I’m always blocking them out. I’m at the point where I can’t just brush off the hurt and the pain. I have to become vulnerable to my needs and put it out there.
It might be the only way I’m going to be able to survive this rough time in my life. It just might be the one way that is going to get me to be a better person that I strive to be continually. Not only for everyone around me, but more importantly, for me.