Monthly Archives: August 2016

When Enough is Enough

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Enough

There comes a time in everyone’s lives that a choice has to be made. A choice of whether to continue down the current path we are on or to deviate to a lesser known, sometimes unfamiliar path. When faced with a crucial dilemma or even a small anomaly, a decision must be made. This is something that I’ve been working through for several months and I’ve finally come to my breaking point.

You’ll remember a few months ago I wrote about a family member who chose to remove me from their life in a pretty unsavory way. You can read about that here.

Well, a few months have passed since this initially happened and several things have transpired over that timeframe.

Since that initial argument/fight/subsequent blocking occurred, I had been unblocked on this person’s social media account. I did not take it upon me to try to add them back or to try to win back a place in their good graces. That wasn’t for me to do, nor did I want to have that psychological struggle.

Another month or so passed after that and I receive a request to add them back to our social media accounts. I promptly deleted the request because I was not in the right frame of mind to open that “can of worms.” I wasn’t ready.

I then received a written request which stated this:

“Hello – I was wondering if it would be okay if we could be friends again on Facebook – I know that it is my fault that we are not and for that I am sorry. I know I have not been the (insert relation) that I should be to you nor the (insert relation) to your boys. I know that we will never be close, we will always disagree on almost everything, but friends come and go but family should be forever. We do not have to be best friends but I do not want to be known as your enemy – which I have most certainly made you feel that I am. I am sorry for how things ended and I do love you.”

I was floored when I received this message. Not because I was so happy or elated or relieved that things could go back to “normal” but upset. I was livid and angry that this person thought that a message and apology would just clear the air and make things all better again. Forgive and forget and move on, la la la la la.

Sorry, but I can’t do that. I can forgive, yes, and I have done that. But I most certainly cannot forget the pain and the grief that I have experienced, not just because of this one incident, but because of years of this treatment. Until you can MEAN what you say and I can see the actions proving that you mean it, to me it’s all a superficial attempt at easing your own conscience.

Let me break this down for you a little. There is a history. This isn’t a new conflict. This isn’t a new trial that has crossed my path. This has been ongoing for well over 30 years of my life. As we became adults, the conflict persisted and seemed to get worse over time.

Cue my divorce.
Cue something they did not agree with.
Cue an attitude of arrogance and hypocrisy.
Cue a family member that didn’t stay “forever” but chose to desert you in your time of need.

The relationship was “mended” enough to get by and talk on occasion. But then another falling out was had, strictly because of this relative’s own incorrect mindset and judgmental attitude. At this point, I was done. I couldn’t keep this toxic person in my life and remain true to myself and my own convictions.

Back to the new message that was sent just recently. I was hot with anger when I got the message, just because everything said was centered around them. Centered around everything they are. I waited a few days to respond because I did not want to say something I would regret later. I did not want to respond in anger because those responses tend to be curt and can come across as very vindictive.

After two days, this is how I responded:

“In time, I will add you again. For now, I have a log going on here that I need to take care of and work through. Once I get through that, then we can tackle our issues and work through things. For now, I gotta focus on me and the boys and go from there. We will talk in time.”

Believe me, there were many other things I wanted to say but refrained because those things would not get me any closer to any type of restitution or resolve. I responded in the best way I know and took the high road.

There was no response to this. The only “response” that I received was to be blocked yet again from all communication and the door that was cracked open for forgiveness and involvement in my life has now been slammed shut.

And to this, I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”

Please do not tell me that family is forever and friends come and go, as you are a prime example of this being the opposite. I have several friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin and have been my support system through what seems as an unstoppable force against me.

I have friends who have not only been there for me, but given of themselves over and over again, without judgment or hatred towards me. I have family, such as this person, who has waivered and flipped flopped on their acceptance of me, depending on the situation. There has not been a blanket of acceptance. There has not been an unconditional love. There has not been the hand I need to hold to get me through the scary times.

And to this subsequent blocking and removal from my life, I have this to say:

Enough is enough and I cannot keep going on like this, acting like this is acceptable.

Enough is enough and I will not allow this toxicity to permeate my day to day activities.

Enough is enough and I will not subject my children to this hypocrisy and conditional love you have shown over and over.

Enough is enough and I’m going to call you out on your actions and your insincerity in your words.

Enough is enough if you cannot accept my reason for keeping my distance.

Enough is enough if you cannot accept that MY family comes first and that my sanity and wellness is far more important to me than your wishy-washy apology.

Enough is enough if you are not going to practice what you preach.

Enough is enough if you don’t have the maturity to accept that I have to make sure my own house is in order before I can even attempt to resolve problems outside of it.

Enough is enough if you cannot recognize the fact that my own problems come before you and easing your conscience.

Enough is Enough and I’m putting my foot down.

This is not something that is easy. This is not something I’m taking lightly. This is definitely not something that I enjoy doing.

But it’s necessary.

I want to have a full, productive, happy life and I cannot begin to have that if the constant weight of this problem is tying me down. So I choose me. I choose my sanity (whatever shred of it is left at this point). I choose to make sure my life is in order before I attempt to delve into the issues of other people’s lives.

These are the people that matter most to me that I need to have in my life and need to ensure that we are where we need to be in every aspect of life:

My boys
My boyfriend
Myself

That’s it. It’s that simple. If I can’t have my OWN life in order, then I have NO business in delving into other people’s lives, family or not.

So today, and every day from here on out, enough is enough and I choose me.

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Tuesday’s Quotes & Quips – Failure & Defeat

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I missed last week’s edition of Tuesday’s Quotes & Quips because my boys and I had just gotten back from a long weekend of camping in the woods of Kentucky, so much catch up was needed at home and at work.

But I’m back and dealing this week with a topic that I struggle with IMMENSELY and haven’t found a way to confidently overcome as of yet. And, if I’m being honest, it’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a child.

FAILURE and DEFEAT

I have a chronic fear of failing and being defeated. I want so bad to succeed in something, anything, that I begin to be overcome with a crippling fear of failing. And for an OCD perfectionist as myself, it’s often hard to get past just the thought of failing.

So what do I do when that fear overtakes me?

I quit. I stop. I do not pass go, I do not collect the $200 and I go directly to failure jail.

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It’s something, that at my fast approaching age of 40, I should just “get over” but that’s easier said than done! Especially when you have your past failures thrown in your face. Yes, that is something I constantly deal with and that really holds me back.

When you have negative people in your life reminding you of the time you failed at_____________ (you fill in the blank)! I have many blanks that can be filled in.

I won’t bore you with my exhaustive list of failures, although it could have the makings of a tantalizing soap opera watched with baited breath.

But alas, I digress……

Anyway, what m trying to say, that my past failures should not be keeping me from future successes. I’m working on venturing outside my comfort zone…which is a huge area to overcome in my life. I’m often very critical of myself, more so than anyone else ever could be (save a few overly zealous friends and family members). This self-criticizing of my actions is what holds me back the most.

So here I am, speaking to an audience of one…ME! (Well, I’m hoping more than just one person reads this blog on occasion) But honestly, I really have to make this a priority in my life. That if I don’t even put myself out there, or attempt to find success, or do something I have always wanted to do, I’ll be defeated from the very get-go.

I don’t want to be known by my failures. I want to be known for my successes and accomplishments in life. It’s as simple as that!

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“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”
Randy Pausch

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
Maya Angelou

“Life is full of screwups. You’re supposed to fail sometimes. It’s a required part of the human existance.”
Sarah Dessen

“But instead of spending our lives running towards our dreams, we are often running away from a fear of failure or a fear of criticism.”
Eric Wright

“All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’ — which is just another way of saying that you can’t.”
Richard Feynman

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
Denis Waitley

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping sone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.”
Johnny Cash

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