Two years ago I got something in the mail that I dreaded receiving.
Two years ago, my life as I knew it came to an official end.
Two years ago, everything changed because of one envelope.
Two year ago, my divorce was final.
In the past two years, I have been through so much. I honestly don’t know how I’m still standing and pushing forward. Maybe because that’s the only thing I CAN do. But regardless, my world has been rocked and pushed off its axis. And not only MY life, but that of my children as well.
They’ve been two years filled with hurt.
Two years filled with concern over the well-being of my children and myself in all honesty. There have been many moments filled with self-doubt concerning that.
Two years filled with a constant worry. Worry that I’m not good enough. Worried that this failure will always be who I am. Worried that my children’s lives are irreversibly harmed. Worry that I’m not going to make it on my own, physically, emotionally, financially, and everything in between.
Two years with much confusion and uncertainty. Sometimes uncertainty if I was going to be able to feed my children that week. Occasional confusion about decisions. Oh, who am I kidding? CONSTANT confusion about decisions.
The never-ending “What If’s?”
Over the past two years, there have been countless times that I honestly just wanted to curl up in a ball, crawl into bed, and not come out for weeks. Not so much for the physical exhaustion factor, although that played and still plays into that concept big time, but more so just to get away from the madness and hide.
But I couldn’t. I still can’t. Even when the desire to do just that feels overwhelming as if to swallow me up in a tidal wave of solitude, I have responsibilities. I have my boys. I have to be strong for them and pretend to be strong for everyone else.
The past two years have been filled with me telling everyone I was fine, and that I’ll get through the seeming hurdle (said, MOUNTAIN) and that “It was all good” and “I’m OK” and “No Biggie.” Things happen and you just have to learn from your mistakes and decisions, yadda yadda yadda.
But I wasn’t OK. It wasn’t all good. It was a biggie. And honestly, there are still moments I feel like that. But if I admitted that while it was all going on (in my mind), then I was weak. My facade of being the strong, stubborn mother, taking charge, handling whatever problems are hurled my way with grace and the knowledge to knock over a 20-day jeopardy champion. . .. . was just that, a facade. Fake. A Lie. Wrong.
Over the last two years I have seen how truly weak I am. I’ve been burdened down with so many things. Instead of the load being lifted day by day, it seemed to just get heavier and heavier. Sometimes I just cannot cope with even thinking about this let alone live with it.
The last two years have been filled with so many things to think about that I didn’t think would ever come into play in my life. Too many things for me to process. Heck, sometimes it’s too many things for a team of people to process. At times, there was just too much to make sense of. And over the last two years, I wasn’t sure that I could do it. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know if I could. Honestly, there are still times that I’m not sure I can do it.
So much has changed over the last two years.
I’ve dealt with housing changes, from a huge house to a small apartment.
I’ve dealt with car issues beyond comprehension, but still managed to have transportation (by the grace of God and my generous mother).
I have been run through the gamut with learning how to date and be in a relationship again (which is still a work in progress if I’m going to be honest, just ask my boyfriend)!
I have had to see my children be introduced into a new family. And with that, I’ve had to learn how to adjust my life (to an extent) to another woman in my boys’ life. A step-mother, step-sisters, and an extended family. One that I’m not part of. And I’ve had to learn how to “deal” with that. It’s not been easy, but it’s something I knew would be inevitable when you deal with a divorce.
But I’ve also been able to learn more about myself in the last two years. I’ve been able to work on “finding” myself. It’s not always easy and it’s oftentimes painful, but it’s necessary. There’s no way I can move forward in my life if I’m still dwelling on the past. If I’m still questioning and doubting all my decisions in the past, I’m in a chokehold without hope of release. And I want to be able to breathe freely, and move forward knowing that what is in the past, is the past.
So yes, today might be the “anniversary” of my divorce. It might be the anniversary of the day my world got flipped upside down. It might be the reminder of the day my life changed. But it’s also the day when I knew I wasn’t going to be the same person I was prior to that. And looking back on that, I’m ok with that.
Without all those changes and various paths I’ve taken over the last couple years, I’ve become who I am today. And for the most part, I’m pretty happy with that person. And not only am I happy with the person I’ve become, I’m pretty proud of the person I am today. I’m more than just an “ex-wife”. I’m a new person, filled with the hope of future possibilities. I have a new outlook on so many things in life. I’m excited to see what the next two years brings my way. Yes, two years isn’t a lot in the light of eternity, but so many things can happen in two years.