I plan for my dream house, saving pictures and decorating ideas, and little DIY projects to make organization better in my dream house.
I plan for my dream wedding, pinning color schemes and flower arrangements on Pinterest and looking online to find just the right dress that meets my budget and of course body figure.
I plan for my life, my future. I try to imagine what could be on the horizon in my life, professionally, relationally and everything in between.
I plan and I hope and I dream. But for what? Why? Why do I continue the endless torture of planning something that is likely never going to happen?
I’m a dreamer. I’m have an unrealistic imagination. I’m a hopeless romantic, emphasis on hopeless.
Even despite the unlikelihood of these things ever happening in my life, I continue to dream.
I continue to imagine what my life would be like if those things ever happened for me. I just can’t let go of the dream.
I find myself wondering why it seems that everyone else’s dreams come true, while mine seem to sit dormant, never coming out to see the light of day.
What are they doing right that I’m not? Why can’t I seem to be the person that has those good things happen to?
Because of something I’ve done?
Because of something I haven’t done?
Because of something I’ve said?
Because of something I didn’t say?
Because of some way I’ve acted?
Because of something within me?
Maybe it’s silly and immature to have those feelings, I mean, I AM almost 40. They are my feelings and raw emotions, but can those dreams still have a realistic ending? Simple answer. NOPE!
So instead of holding on to some of those unrealistic dreams, because in all honesty, they really are, my new modus operandi is to work on making realistic goals and having attainable dreams.
I know that due to my financial situation and issues from the past, I’ll never be able to own a house again. I won’t have the “perfect” house in the “perfect” neighborhood with the white picket fence blah blah blah. But I can provide a roof over my children’s heads and keep them happy, fed, clothed, and protected.
I know that also due to my financial situation and just life in general, I’ll never have that “dream” wedding. I honestly doubt that in this lifetime I’ll have a wedding that comes close to anything I could imagine or dream of having, if I get the chance to get married again I should say. Yes, I know. Weddings aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Weddings are just for “show” and it doesn’t really MEAN anything. But when you have dreams of certain events as a child, teenager, college student, and it never comes to fruition, even being married once before (and not getting the chance to have a wedding), it’s just something I’ve always wanted. A girl can dream, right? But I also have to know that it’s not realistic. A dream can only go so far before it gets out of my grasp and leads me down a path of disappointment, again and again. I’m fed up with disappointments in my life to be honest. So in the spirit of being realistic, I got rid of everything wedding related on Pinterest. The dreaming and hoping for what I saw was becoming overwhelming. And when I’m overwhelmed, I tend to just shut down, and that’s not healthy for me or anyone around me.
I enjoy writing. I like expressing myself through words. I think of writing as a cathartic experience. I write a lot. But I won’t publish a lot of what I write, because sometimes what I write is a way of either calming myself down and snapping myself back into reality, or just recognizing the changes I need to make in my life and attitude. Sometimes reading and re-reading what I just wrote is enough to get me feeling better about the situation in my life I’m currently working through. I am complimented on my writing. I have been given a platform through my local newspaper as well as the website Cincinnati Moms Blog where I will be a contributor. Despite these opportunities, I don’t want to dream too big. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Would I love to be writing more down the road? Sure, absolutely! But I also know that I am a full-time working mom with shared custody of my amazing boys. I am busy. I am often tired. I have a hard time finding time for myself to pursue anything outside of the realm of my current life. So, for now, I’ll soak in the opportunities I have been given, I’ll continue to write for my pleasure and hopefully to encourage, enlighten, and even entertain those that take the time to read what I present to them.
I’m not saying I’m giving up on my dreams and aspirations. I’m not saying that the things in my life that I desire most will never come to fruition. I’m not saying that at all. But what I AM saying is that I want to come down from orbit a little bit and become more realistic in my future plans. I want to make a decision about my life that will only affect me and those around me in a positive manner. I want to make wise decisions and plan my life with the best intentions for everyone involved, now, and in my possible future.
I’m still going to dream. I’m still going to aspire to be better and do better. I’m still going to give everything I can to make my dreams a reality. But going forward, a more realistic reality.