Doubting Thomas

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There goes the phrase, “assume good until you are proven wrong”. I’m the opposite. I assume the worse until I am proven otherwise. I know it’s not right. I know it’s not healthy. I know it puts me in a bad light. Believe me, I know this all, and I’ve dealt with those thoughts for quite some time. There’s a reason for this thought process. Bear with me. . . ..

I’ve been too trusting in my life. Way too trusting of people. I used to think that everyone was good. That everyone had the best intentions. That everyone was true to their word. That everyone was what they said they were. Then that trust and belief in good was demolished and thrown out the proverbial window down 2 million stories.

I trusted someone and their “good” intentions. I was innocent. I was naïve. I was hoping and trusting that this person meant what they said. Believed they wouldn’t hurt me. And those thoughts and beliefs were not at all what I had imagined. This person took advantage of me. This person hurt me. Not only physically but also mentally, emotionally, even spiritually to the core. This person was a monster, and changed my life completely and caused me to question everything in my life.

This in turn made me question everyone. Made me distrust what they said. Made me be suspicious of their intentions. Wondering if they really meant what they said. Convincing myself that what they said couldn’t be true. Doubting everything about them. I used to think that there was inherent good in people and in society as a whole. I guess I’ve become a hard core cynic. And I hate that. That’s one of the things I really dislike about myself. Of course, there’s other things, but that’s the one that really shakes me up.

And to this day, I still struggle with it. And it gets in the way of having healthy relationships. It gets in the way of moving forward with my life. It automatically puts up a wall. It makes me push people away. It makes me give pause to letting people in. When I get a compliment, I pass it off as just a kind gesture, not having true meaning behind it. Compliments in general I have a hard time taking. And part of that is because I’m way too hard on myself and can’t see what this person sees. I doubt that they mean it. I assume there are unwanted intentions behind it, and I just push it away. It’s not fair to that person, because I know that they probably sincerely meant it. See, even there. They “probably” sincerely meant it. It’s so hard for me to accept that, because I doubt them.

Now that a new chapter in my life has started, I’m determined to make this chapter the best one of my life. I’m the author of this chapter and I’m the one that determines which direction it’s going to go. Now, while I’m not going to be that overly trusting girl that I was in the past. That’s not a healthy way of life either. BUT, I am going to do my best to not doubt everyone’s intentions. I’m going to turn my thought process around to that of one that will see the best in people until proven wrong. Easy? Heck no! Worth it? In the end, absolutely! So, a doubting Thomas no more. A cautious Abby. A more accepting Abby. An Abby that I will like and others will in the end.

“Every mental act is composed of doubt and belief, but it is belief that is the positive, it is belief that sustains thought and holds the world together.”
― Soren Kierkegaard

“Without trust and respect, only fear and distrust of others’ motives and intentions are left. Without trust and respect between parties, it is nearly impossible to find good solutions to effective communication.”

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